A Lopsided Life

I've had a lot of ups and downs the past few days.  Sometimes I really regret my decision to have the mastectomy, and think I've made a HUGE mistake.  Usually, after I've thought it through, I remember the reasons I made the decision, and I'm ok with it.  Usually.  Yesterday I talked with the nurse navigator (Barb) at the Breast Health Center about the pathology results.  The main reason I chose the mx (mastectomy) was because there was more invasive cancer and DCIS than what showed up on the mammo or MRI, and I didn't know if there was more floating around in my breast.  The fact that it was an aggressive cancer (HER2+++),and had already spread to 3 lymph nodes, made me not want to take the chance that a re-excision would miss some. Anyway--back to Barb.  At first she said the path report showed only DCIS, and I asked her if it said somewhere how much was found.  She was reading it and trying to figure it out, and said that maybe they didn't find anymore.  She said that Dr. Morris would have to read it and answer that question for me.  I see him on Tues. morning for post-op follow-up and drain removal.  Dr. Morris told me that we might not find any more cancer.  There was DCIS at 3 of the margins of the lumpectomy, but that might be as far as it went.  He said that would be a good outcome.  Secretly, I didn't think so!  So when Barb told me there might not have been any more cancer, I just lost it (after I politely thanked her and hung up the phone!).  I went in my room and had a good cry.  All I could think at the time was I made a huge mistake and I want it (meaning my breast) back!  I was a little depressed the rest of day.  It was just this morning that I finally remembered why I had the surgery done (see above).  I wish there was some way I could have known for sure that there was no more cancer, but there just wasn't.  With all the tests they can do these days, there still isn't one that can always see 100% of the cancer.  I hope sometime soon I'll be more at peace with my decision.  We'll see what Dr. Morris has to say on Tuesday.
Yesterday I asked my sister to run to a store and buy me a sport bra.  There is a light shelf bra in the cami I got from the hospital, but it offers no support for my right breast.  I tried to match it with the soft breast form on the left side, but couldn't get it to stay down far enough--so I had one up high "breast", and one headed toward the ground! lol!  I couldn't leave the house until I could find a way to match them better.  Dee brought me several bras and camis to try.  Only 1 fit and offered some support.  I wore it today.  Not very comfy, cuz its a little tight and pressed the breast form against my chest (luckily its mostly numb!), but it worked for a while.  While at Target today I bought a few soft, wireless bras, and I'll try them on later.  Yes, this would all be easier if I had a bilateral (double) mx, but loosing both would have been WAY to difficult to do at one time.  Maybe I'll be ready for that next year.
I'm healing up nicely, I think.  I haven't had any pain meds since Thur. am.  In the afternoon I was feeling a little nauseous, and really foggy brained.  I think it was a build-up of too many pain drugs since the surgery.  I felt much better the next morning.  All I take now is the occasional ibuprofen.  Most of the area is numb, but I get occasional sharp pains.  My drain doesn't bother me too much, and there is not as much coming out as the last one I had.  I am hoping I can get it removed on Tues., as planned.  And I'm praying it doesn't hurt as much!
It was nice to get out of the house today!  I put on a little make-up, did my hair, and spent a little money--all good things!  :)  Rich is so funny at Target.  If we go anywhere near the baby clothes, he goes right in and looks at stuff for Brennan.  We don't always buy something, but he likes to look.  He can't wait to buy Brennan his first little pair of "work" boots.  Today we ended up buying a little shorts outfit.
We came home and took a nap!  Rich is getting ready now to mow and weed-whip and such.  I might help pick up sticks a little bit. My main job when Rich mows is to bring him a glass of water about halfway through.  I think I can handle that! I'm going to make tacos for supper, then I might make him some cookies. Not from scratch.  He likes choc. chip cookies ALOT, so we buy the ready made dough.  Once in awhile I'll make homemade ones.  Shonna makes yummy ones with oatmeal. 
Well, Rich is already mowing--guess he's not going to pick up sticks first.  Maybe I'll go sit on the deck for a bit.
Blessings!
Tina

Fun Facts

Hello again!
When I saw my oncologist the other day, he gave me a printout of my pathology report, and my surgeon's report.
The surgery report was weird to read. I found out all these things they did to me while I was out. Kinda creepy. Like how they "copiously irrigated" my abdomen. And things they did to my ureter (which connects to the kidney) to make sure there was no damage to it. Not to mention how they check for leaks after sewing my colon back together. Like I said, weird!
The patholgy report told me that my tumor was about the size of a golf ball, maybe a little bigger. (4.5cm). And it sounds like about 18 inches of my colon was taken, instead of the 12" I thought.
Dr. J also had me get some blood tests while I was there. I found out my hemoglobin is down to 10.9, and my red blood cell count is a little low too. Also, sodium and potassium are within normal range, but at the low end of normal. I think my blood being low is contributing to my tiredness, because I feel tired ALL day long. Yet I don't sleep as well as I think I should.
I forced myself away from the computer awhile ago and got my bathroom and kitchen floors clean. It felt good to get something accomplished, and move a little. I took Sadie out and discovered its too cold for a walk; maybe this afternoon. At least I got some exercise mopping!
I saw the urologist yesterday, and my bladder is doing much better. Not quite back to normal, but hopefully it will be soon. He said if radiation casuses a lot of irritation to my bladder I should call the clinic because there is something they can give me to soothe it. He said they have a few tricks up their sleeve to help get thru radiation.
Well, its time for lunch. I'm going to try to eat more fruits and veggies and other good stuff to boost my immune system and get my blood levels up. I already took my vitamin. I need to do what I can now so I can make it thru chemo!
Have a great day everyone! Thanks for keeping in touch--I love my e-mails!
Tina