Saturday, May 29, 2010

A Lopsided Life

I've had a lot of ups and downs the past few days.  Sometimes I really regret my decision to have the mastectomy, and think I've made a HUGE mistake.  Usually, after I've thought it through, I remember the reasons I made the decision, and I'm ok with it.  Usually.  Yesterday I talked with the nurse navigator (Barb) at the Breast Health Center about the pathology results.  The main reason I chose the mx (mastectomy) was because there was more invasive cancer and DCIS than what showed up on the mammo or MRI, and I didn't know if there was more floating around in my breast.  The fact that it was an aggressive cancer (HER2+++),and had already spread to 3 lymph nodes, made me not want to take the chance that a re-excision would miss some. Anyway--back to Barb.  At first she said the path report showed only DCIS, and I asked her if it said somewhere how much was found.  She was reading it and trying to figure it out, and said that maybe they didn't find anymore.  She said that Dr. Morris would have to read it and answer that question for me.  I see him on Tues. morning for post-op follow-up and drain removal.  Dr. Morris told me that we might not find any more cancer.  There was DCIS at 3 of the margins of the lumpectomy, but that might be as far as it went.  He said that would be a good outcome.  Secretly, I didn't think so!  So when Barb told me there might not have been any more cancer, I just lost it (after I politely thanked her and hung up the phone!).  I went in my room and had a good cry.  All I could think at the time was I made a huge mistake and I want it (meaning my breast) back!  I was a little depressed the rest of day.  It was just this morning that I finally remembered why I had the surgery done (see above).  I wish there was some way I could have known for sure that there was no more cancer, but there just wasn't.  With all the tests they can do these days, there still isn't one that can always see 100% of the cancer.  I hope sometime soon I'll be more at peace with my decision.  We'll see what Dr. Morris has to say on Tuesday.
Yesterday I asked my sister to run to a store and buy me a sport bra.  There is a light shelf bra in the cami I got from the hospital, but it offers no support for my right breast.  I tried to match it with the soft breast form on the left side, but couldn't get it to stay down far enough--so I had one up high "breast", and one headed toward the ground! lol!  I couldn't leave the house until I could find a way to match them better.  Dee brought me several bras and camis to try.  Only 1 fit and offered some support.  I wore it today.  Not very comfy, cuz its a little tight and pressed the breast form against my chest (luckily its mostly numb!), but it worked for a while.  While at Target today I bought a few soft, wireless bras, and I'll try them on later.  Yes, this would all be easier if I had a bilateral (double) mx, but loosing both would have been WAY to difficult to do at one time.  Maybe I'll be ready for that next year.
I'm healing up nicely, I think.  I haven't had any pain meds since Thur. am.  In the afternoon I was feeling a little nauseous, and really foggy brained.  I think it was a build-up of too many pain drugs since the surgery.  I felt much better the next morning.  All I take now is the occasional ibuprofen.  Most of the area is numb, but I get occasional sharp pains.  My drain doesn't bother me too much, and there is not as much coming out as the last one I had.  I am hoping I can get it removed on Tues., as planned.  And I'm praying it doesn't hurt as much!
It was nice to get out of the house today!  I put on a little make-up, did my hair, and spent a little money--all good things!  :)  Rich is so funny at Target.  If we go anywhere near the baby clothes, he goes right in and looks at stuff for Brennan.  We don't always buy something, but he likes to look.  He can't wait to buy Brennan his first little pair of "work" boots.  Today we ended up buying a little shorts outfit.
We came home and took a nap!  Rich is getting ready now to mow and weed-whip and such.  I might help pick up sticks a little bit. My main job when Rich mows is to bring him a glass of water about halfway through.  I think I can handle that! I'm going to make tacos for supper, then I might make him some cookies. Not from scratch.  He likes choc. chip cookies ALOT, so we buy the ready made dough.  Once in awhile I'll make homemade ones.  Shonna makes yummy ones with oatmeal. 
Well, Rich is already mowing--guess he's not going to pick up sticks first.  Maybe I'll go sit on the deck for a bit.


  1. It's difficult to read that you don't have peace about your decision but I'm glad you blog about what you're feeling. I guess my prayer for you is, and will be, that you made the right decision.

    Love you.

  2. Making the choice is a difficult one. Going through the if only I knew, unfortunately we don't the best predictor is what we really feel. A few people asked me if I feel badly about only having one breast. Honestly my answer is no. My breasts don't define my womanhood. It's who you are as a person that matters.
    I'm 3 weeks away from my second surgery. Though they found small cancer cells I am not taking chances.
    Hope you feel better Tina..... ~ Alli xx