Midnight Musings

Ok, more like 1:30am to 4am :)
First a little update. I'm feeling pretty good, but have come to realize that I may not have anymore of those "full of energy" days that I've come to expect. Yesterday Rich and I went grocery shopping and I was surprised at how leaden my legs felt! The chemo fatigue is gone, but I still have been tired a lot more than I expected. Just another adjustment I need to make--remember I've had to learn to take things "one day at a time"! I can't plan on feeling one way or another--it is what it is. :)
So, as I'm lying awake in the wee hours of the morning, I start thinking about my future, or possible lack there of. I usually forbid my brain to go there, but once in awhile I let my thoughts progress. Sometimes I hope, through the Holy Spirit, that God will give me a glimpse of my future, that maybe somehow I can get a "sense" of whether or not I'll be around to see my grandson grow up. What came to me last night, is an image of David and Goliath. I am "David" and obviously Goliath is the cancer. The stone in my slingshot is the perfect stone that God helped me pick from the creek--it represents the chemo that I throw at my cancer. God, of course, is guiding the chemo and doctors, just like He guided that stone to Goliath's forehead. This doesn't necessarily mean I'll have a long future, but it does reassure me that God "has my back" and is standing with me in this fight. I am so humbled and grateful, I can't even put it in words how it makes me feel.
Before this image came to mind, I was wondering if I should read more about my prognosis, or continue to "bury my head in the sand". I am definitely a person that likes to be informed! But what would be the purpose? Everyone's cancer is different, no matter what the studies say. If a website says I have x% chance of getting the cancer back, what does that really mean? Of what use would it be to know? I might be the other % that doesn't get it back. I already know I'll need to take precautions--regular tests, healthier diet and more exercise. So, once again, I've decide not to look into it. Its all in God's hands anyway, and that's where I place my trust. His plans for me are good. :-)
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE." Jeremiah 29:11
Love and Blessings!!
Tina

The "Not Much Sleep Days" Are Here!

The title sounds like it would be a bad thing--but it means I'm feeling much better and my brain is on overdrive again! In the wee hours of the morning I've come up with Christmas ideas, and pretty much remodeled my whole house!! I even took the time to write my house ideas down, so maybe we can at least get some painting done this winter. No money for most of my other ideas! I have to save for a wedding reception :) (and college, and...etc).
Most of the nausea is gone (only 1 pill yesterday afternoon, and none so far today!), and my tiredness is more a result of lack of sleep than chemo. SOOO much better than a few days ago!
I can't believe its already Thursday. There is alot I should be doing, but I'm just gonna play around on the computer, take care of a few bills, and maybe start that paint-by-number I bought. I have to say, I don't feel as guilty taking it easy as I used to! I'll keep that to-do list for tomorrow :0).
Last chemo round I talked to my oncologist about delaying my 7th round (supposed to be Dec. 16th) until after Christmas, so I can enjoy the holiday a little more. He said that would be fine! That pushes my last round into January, but that's fine with me. It'll soon be over anyway, and I want to enjoy Christmas with my family (esp. my new grandson!!).
Speaking of Brennan, they took him off the caffeine (prevents apnea spells) and last night he had another spell. That might set back when he gets to come home. We really want him home, but we know he is safe and well taken care of where he is. Poor Rachel is getting tired of all the running back and forth tho! She's such a good mama!
That's it for now!
Love and Blessings to everyone!
Tina

Trying to Hang In There!

Each day I wake up and think that this day will be better than the previous one, but so far each one has been a little worse! I have been sleeping for most of the last 4 days. I'm trying to stay awake now for a while, but soon I'll be back in bed. The nausea is a little worse today too. I'm thankful, tho, that I don't have a lot of pain or vomiting. So, I guess, all in all, nausea and fatigue are bearable. I can't wait til I get out of this brain fog, and start living again--tomorrow maybe?

We finally have a sunny day--but by the time I feel well enough to go outside, we'll be back to cold and clouds. What an awful Fall we are having--I guess it kind of fits with my mood! Maybe we'll get some sun in November.

Brennan is getting closer to coming home. Other than some tummy troubles he is doing really well. My sister has a herniated disk in her back and has been mostly bedridden for over 2 weeks! Wish I was in better shape to help her out! I can pray though! Hang in there Dee!! Thanks Aunt Lois and friend Diane for the cards! Cards and e-mails are much appreciated!!

Hope everyone else is doing well! Keep me updated!

Love,

Tina

Thank God for Sunshine!

I'm so glad its a sunny day. It really helps my mood. And when I'm laying in bed with nausea, it makes the backyard so pretty to look at, shining on the yellow and rust colored trees.

Yesterday Rachel took me to get my pump disconnected and get my neupogen shot. I could've driven myself if I had to, but am thankful she brought me, just because I was very tired. And my nurses finally got to meet her! Of course they've seen pics of her and Brennan, so they were very happy to meet her!

I did my 2nd neupogen shot today. So far not much back pain. I get a smaller dose than before, and I take ibuprofen and Tylenol to ward off the pain.

Major side effects now are nausea and fatigue. Finally managed to get in the shower, but not enough energy to shave my legs! It did feel good, though, to stand under the nice warm water. I am running a low temp too, from my low white blood cell count. Hopefully that will go away now with the 2nd shot. So far there is no change in my nausea with the Emend. We'll give it a few days and see how I do. I'm going to take some ginger next time I eat too. Its hard to take everything I need to, because I like to spread my pills out and not take too many at the same time! Which reminds me--I better take my Prilosec, or all these drugs give me heartburn!

Brennan is doing great. He's near 5 lbs, if not over, and hasn't had an apnea spell in a while. Can't wait til he comes home!! Rachel is very busy running back and forth to the hospital! But she looks great, and healed quickly after her c-section.

That's it for now.
Prayer requests--that I get through the next few days ok, for Brennan, and for Jaren in Iraq (and Alyssa waiting patiently for him to come home!)
Love and blessings!
Tina

Now I Have Five

My oncologist, Dr. J, added another anti-nausea drug-->Emend. I took one pill today, then I take 1 on Friday and 1 on Saturday. So now I have 5: Emend, Zofran, Decadron, Ativan, and Compazine. I've heard good stuff about Emend from fellow bloggers. Dr. J said it is good for delayed nausea. I told him the nausea doesn't usually start until Friday night, but of course since I said that I've already started feeling nauseous. Oh well, hopefully it will go away til Friday.

My blood counts were low again. Hemoglobin is up to 11.2, which is better than it has been. Neutrophils (pmn absolute is the test name) are down to .9 (range is 1.8 to 7.7). Neutrophils are part of the white blood cells. We were able to do chemo today, but I will have to get a neupogen shot on Friday and Saturday. I only have 1 shot left here at home, so Friday I will go back to the Cancer Care Center to get my pump disconnected (instead of a nurse coming to the house) and they will give me a shot, then I will do the 2nd one on Saturday at home. I'll order some more shots from our insurance's specialty pharmacy to have at home for next time. I can get 3 at a time. They cause me alot of pain, so I will make sure I take 3 Ibuprofen first, and then alternate that with Tylenol for a day or 2. I still feel little electrical shocks up my spine, but they only last a few seconds. But the shots work fast and my wbc levels shoot right up!

I'm having difficulty swallowing. I thought it would be better by this evening. I'm carefully nibbling on oyster crackers, but sometimes I really struggle to swallow. The Dr. said its from the cold sensitivity--the throat has spasms. My hands, legs, lips, and even tongue all cramp up now and then. And I have a bad headache, and for some reason, I sneeze everytime I get home from chemo. I think its the 5FU in my pump, because it seems to stop after I have the pump removed. Overall, not feeling too great! But these problems are usually just the day of chemo, then they go away. Except for the cold sensitivity, but the cramping stops.

So that's my little update! Hoping tomorrow will be a little better, and this Emend stuff helps for the rest of the week.
Take Care everyone! Thanks for checking in!
Love,
Tina
Oh! I wanted to mention that the cancer center was almost COMPLETELY out of snacks today. They were discussing who wanted to make a trip to Sam's Club tonight. The nurses spend their own money on snacks when needed. Rich and I showed up with some stuff we had bought, and some generously donated by someone at SJM (Rich's work). They were so thrilled to have the snacks!! SJM employees-- You guys are AWESOME! Thanks for all the baby gifts too!! Anyways, my point was that more donations are needed, if anyone can help out. Don't feel bad if you aren't able to help at this time! Donations should be individually packaged snacks--crackers (plain or with cheese, peanut butter, etc), cookies, granola bars, small soup cans, and anything else you think would be good, but they must all be single serving packages. Thanks!!!

Been Busy!

Isn't Brennan adorable?? He's hangin' on to Grandpa!

It seems I've had something going on almost everyday this past week, starting with Shonna's birthday dinner last Tuesday. Being busy is good, but sometimes I just like to hang out at home and get stuff done, esp. on my good days. I did finally get to touch my grandson on Sunday! He is doing really well, and sooo cute! Hopefully he can come home in a couple of weeks. I've been doing some Christmas shopping for him already. The hard part of shopping early is waiting until Christmas to give the gifts!

Today I had my "girl time". I went to the school to help out for a while, then I sat in the lounge to chat with everyone. I really enjoy it. I go in every 2 weeks. I told the teacher I help that I can do projects at home too, so she might, occasionally, send stuff home with my neighbor who also works at the school.

On Saturday Rich and I went to a benefit for Rich's brother's roommate, who has mesothelioma. We bid on a night at Grand Casino and got it! It wasn't necessarily a good deal, but that's not what its about. And it was cheaper than we'd spend anywhere else. We plan on going in 2 weeks. We don't gamble much--probably because I would spend way too much if given the chance! So we'll definitely set a limit. I've heard they have a great buffet there. We really enjoy our little get-a-ways. It feels like we are getting away from the cancer too. I can't wait!

The good days are already getting fewer. This last round it took until the following Thurs. (8 days after chemo) before most of the nausea was gone. And the cold sensitivity is really not going completely away. I have been able to eat/drink cold stuff the last few days, but not frozen stuff. I got a Wildberry Smoothie from Caribou today, but had to take little sips until it was mostly melted. But it sure was yummy!

Well, tomorrow is round 3 of 8. I'm so not looking forward to it. I feel so crummy by the time I leave. I have to wear gloves and a scarf. Breathing cold air makes my throat freeze up, and I get leg, lip, and hand cramps. I usually have a bad headache and can't sleep the first night. Everything eases up slightly the following 2 days, then the nausea and fatigue kick in. Oh well, I'm almost halfway done! There's always a bright side, right? The best part is the weight loss! I've lost about 22 lbs since this all started. :-)

Well, see ya all on the other side!

Blessings!!

Tina

ps My sister is going to start putting together something for meals again. (pray for her--she hurt her back and is in a lot of pain right now!!) So, be on the lookout for an e-mail or phone call from her. We don't need a lot, just a few meals now and then is REALLY nice. Thanks to everyone who has helped us in the past!! Please know that we really appreciate it!!!

A Note About Blueberries, A Good Book, and Me

Here (I fixed the link! It works!) is a link about how wild blueberries can help fight cancer, as well as other red-purple fruits. Gives a little background on how cancer cells grow too. I would LOVE to have a berry smoothie right now--but I still can't have anything too cold. When I can have cold things, I'm going to try to concentrate on getting healthy stuff in me--instead of Dairy Queen and sherbet! Although there is always a time and place for a treat!! :0)
I'm going to buy a book called "Anti Cancer A New Way of Life" by David Servan-Schreiber MD PhD. There is a copy of it at the Cancer Center Library, and some docs are recommending it to their patients. This author has looked into all the research on foods and lifestyles, etc., and put it all in one book. He even breaks it down to what works for what kind of cancer (I think he covers colon, breast, prostate, and a few others). He explains how cancer works and how it can be fought in easy to understand terms. And he tells his story too (brain cancer). Lots of easy to follow charts and graphs too, about different foods and exercise. I think I may have seen this book mentioned on someone else's blog too? It seemed familiar when I was shown it at the cancer center.
I'm feeling so much better today--its almost like a high--I have more energy, a big smile, and have trouble sleeping! lol! Again, I think its from my mind coming out of the fog and trying to make up for several days of not much activity! I had to take an Ambien last night, but slept well after that. Last round I needed Ambien 3 nights. I don't have a problem with that--I get a good nights sleep and feel great the next day--its all good. ;)
That's all for now!
Blessings!!
Tina