Ok, more like 1:30am to 4am :)
First a little update. I'm feeling pretty good, but have come to realize that I may not have anymore of those "full of energy" days that I've come to expect. Yesterday Rich and I went grocery shopping and I was surprised at how leaden my legs felt! The chemo fatigue is gone, but I still have been tired a lot more than I expected. Just another adjustment I need to make--remember I've had to learn to take things "one day at a time"! I can't plan on feeling one way or another--it is what it is. :)
So, as I'm lying awake in the wee hours of the morning, I start thinking about my future, or possible lack there of. I usually forbid my brain to go there, but once in awhile I let my thoughts progress. Sometimes I hope, through the Holy Spirit, that God will give me a glimpse of my future, that maybe somehow I can get a "sense" of whether or not I'll be around to see my grandson grow up. What came to me last night, is an image of David and Goliath. I am "David" and obviously Goliath is the cancer. The stone in my slingshot is the perfect stone that God helped me pick from the creek--it represents the chemo that I throw at my cancer. God, of course, is guiding the chemo and doctors, just like He guided that stone to Goliath's forehead. This doesn't necessarily mean I'll have a long future, but it does reassure me that God "has my back" and is standing with me in this fight. I am so humbled and grateful, I can't even put it in words how it makes me feel.
Before this image came to mind, I was wondering if I should read more about my prognosis, or continue to "bury my head in the sand". I am definitely a person that likes to be informed! But what would be the purpose? Everyone's cancer is different, no matter what the studies say. If a website says I have x% chance of getting the cancer back, what does that really mean? Of what use would it be to know? I might be the other % that doesn't get it back. I already know I'll need to take precautions--regular tests, healthier diet and more exercise. So, once again, I've decide not to look into it. Its all in God's hands anyway, and that's where I place my trust. His plans for me are good. :-)
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE." Jeremiah 29:11
Love and Blessings!!