Saturday, October 31, 2009

Midnight Musings

Ok, more like 1:30am to 4am :)
First a little update. I'm feeling pretty good, but have come to realize that I may not have anymore of those "full of energy" days that I've come to expect. Yesterday Rich and I went grocery shopping and I was surprised at how leaden my legs felt! The chemo fatigue is gone, but I still have been tired a lot more than I expected. Just another adjustment I need to make--remember I've had to learn to take things "one day at a time"! I can't plan on feeling one way or another--it is what it is. :)
So, as I'm lying awake in the wee hours of the morning, I start thinking about my future, or possible lack there of. I usually forbid my brain to go there, but once in awhile I let my thoughts progress. Sometimes I hope, through the Holy Spirit, that God will give me a glimpse of my future, that maybe somehow I can get a "sense" of whether or not I'll be around to see my grandson grow up. What came to me last night, is an image of David and Goliath. I am "David" and obviously Goliath is the cancer. The stone in my slingshot is the perfect stone that God helped me pick from the creek--it represents the chemo that I throw at my cancer. God, of course, is guiding the chemo and doctors, just like He guided that stone to Goliath's forehead. This doesn't necessarily mean I'll have a long future, but it does reassure me that God "has my back" and is standing with me in this fight. I am so humbled and grateful, I can't even put it in words how it makes me feel.
Before this image came to mind, I was wondering if I should read more about my prognosis, or continue to "bury my head in the sand". I am definitely a person that likes to be informed! But what would be the purpose? Everyone's cancer is different, no matter what the studies say. If a website says I have x% chance of getting the cancer back, what does that really mean? Of what use would it be to know? I might be the other % that doesn't get it back. I already know I'll need to take precautions--regular tests, healthier diet and more exercise. So, once again, I've decide not to look into it. Its all in God's hands anyway, and that's where I place my trust. His plans for me are good. :-)
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE." Jeremiah 29:11
Love and Blessings!!


  1. I loved this post. It really hits me, too. Thank you for posting the scription verse. It made me feel better.

  2. Your blog is hard to read on many levels but I appreciate the insight to your thoughts.

    Love you.

  3. Amen, Tina. Keep trusting the Lord.
    Sorry you couldn't sleep... do you take something for it? Ron has the same problems at times and is on Ambien. Hope you get some shut eye tonight! God bless.

  4. Yeah, sorry to the family if its hard to read, but I want to be honest. I'm sure we all have our "what if" moments.
    Whidbey-->I do take Ambien,and it does help, but I usually try to sleep without it first. Sometimes I fall asleep fine, but if I wake up I can't get back to sleep. I feel like my brain won't shut off :)
    Carol--> So glad the Bible verse helped. Hope you are doing ok.

  5. Tina, I know that you are going to be here for a really long time, to see Brennan grow up, etc. I feel it deep down in my heart. We all have these thoughts about our future and I know that God will get you through this with flying colors!! We love you and are praying for you!!