Thoughts and Stuff

Yeah, I really need to work on my blog titles!  I'll try to do better :).  Its just something I don't want to waste a lot of time on, I guess.
So, lots of messages from God today!  Do you know what I thought about a few minutes ago???  Are you ready for this???  The thought passed through my head, with a chuckle, that I need to stay sick long enough to learn all God has to teach me.  As soon as I had the thought, I back-tracked and went, "wait a minute God, don't me too seriously on that!!"  Whew!  Thankfully my God is an all-knowing God and He knows what I mean!  I wish I could be HEALTHY and learn all these same lessons, but I have to say, that when the business of life takes over, God sometimes get pushed out of the way.  Sad, but true.  I'm really praying that He helps me find a way to balance this.  When I was back working, I was so disappointed that I only had energy for work.  I was beat by the time I got home.  I love my job, but I love my life outside of work more.  Pray for me on this, ok?  I REALLY want to know what God's will is for my life.
Today my e-mail devotional was about spiritual gifts.  I had to laugh because the woman writing it, LeeAnn Rice, was disappointed when she took a spiritual gifts test.  She didn't feel that any of her gifts were the "important" ones.  I felt the same way!  Rich and I recently took a class at church on spiritual gifts and took an online test.  My top ones were faith, exhortation, encouragement, mercy, and music.  What the heck can a person do with that?  I wanted something concrete-->DO THIS TO SERVE GOD.  I was happy to find out (from my pastor) that although I don't have any musical ability, I minister to God through my personal worship.  I often have a song of praise going through my head, and when I'm not sure where to start when praying, I just start singing to God.  I wish I could tell you that I went on to discover what I can do with my other gifts, but I'm still working on that--but I do know that God can use me, whatever gifts I might have, and ALL gifts are important!  "Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms." 1 Peter 4:10 (NIV) Note the word "whatever"!
I also learned today from Pastor Tom's blog (see link on sidebar), that "ordinary Christianity" is an oxymoron.  I agree!  All Christians are "EXTRA ordinary"  We are called to live "EXTRAordinary" lives.  I better get on that!  I hope I can keep that word at the forefront of my mind, and remember it in everything I do.
Ok, a health report:  I have been feeling REALLY good!  I have had plenty of energy the last few days, and even have been getting up early (6:30 today!).  Today I will think about what I want/need to get done before chemo on Monday. Oh--just thought of something.  I think today is payday--so I should pay bills.  Next week I won't care!
Yesterday I got out a bit and went shopping.  I need more shirts that have patterns on them.  Solid color shirts show any "uneveness" I might have, if ya know what I mean!  Patterns make it harder to tell.  It felt good to be out shopping.  Last time I went was a few days before my mastectomy and I ended up in tears because I thought I'd never be able to wear cute stuff again.  Yesterday I was happy with how everything looked!  And then I got a yummy Wild Berry Smoothie from Caribou!
Today I'm going to have lunch with a good friend.  I wanted to take her out as a little thank you for all her help with Shonna's party.
Looking at my calendar I see that its been 3 years today since Rich's craniotomy.  I'm happy to report that any neurological issues he had before, seem to have resolved themselves.  I hope he never has to go through anything like that again!  That is a scary surgery!
Well, better get going on that to-do list!
Have a great weekend!
Tina

Home From Surgery

I got home about 2 hours ago. Just been catching up with e-mails and on Facebook.
Surgery went just as expected--no surprises this time! I wasn't able to talk with the surgeon today, but saw his residents, who helped him in surgery. The surgeon (Dr. Morris), told Rich yesterday something about leaving behind some of the extra skin that may help with reconstruction. That's cool that he was thinking of that and doing what he could to help. I assume I'll eventually want some sort of reconstruction, but won't make any decisions on that until next year.
I'm not feeling much pain, so might just try one Percocet instead of 2 in a little while. Last night and early this morning I had a lot of pain when the nurse was "stripping" the drainage tube. It was causing suction on the inside. The nurse said sometimes that happens. It didn't hurt when she did it at noon though, but I made sure I had my pain meds first, just in case! Hopefully it won't hurt anymore at all.
Didn't sleep hardly at all last night--maybe an hour or 2, then a little 1/2 hour nap this morning. Most of the nurses and PCAs at Regions are really good, but I had this one PCA last night that left the door open after he checked my vitals at 11 last night. It was very noisy out in the hallway! Finally the nurse came in for something and when she was leaving asked if I wanted the door shut. Then this morning the same guy comes in to restock my towels at 5 am--seriously?!?! That couldn't have waited? And again he left my door open! Sheesh, you wonder sometimes why certain people even want that job. Everyone else there does what they can to make you comfortable and help you sleep.
As I was laying there last night I realized that I'm not afraid of surgery anymore. I was very upset to have this one, but I wasn't afraid of the actual procedure. My first major surgery was my colon resection last year. I was pretty scared! Now that I know what to expect, its not so bad.
Next Tues. I'll go back to see the surgeon for my post-op, and hopefully have the drain removed. Then they will set me up to see the prosthetic fitter, and a physical therapist for my arm/shoulder. Both are there (at Regions Breast Health Center) on Tuesdays, so I should be able to do both in one day. Tomorrow I have to call to make an appointment with Dr. J, my oncologist, and set up a time for chemo class. At that class they will go over all the side effects of the chemos I'll be getting, and they will give me info on getting a wig.
Until I get my prosthesis, I have some cushy pillow like things I can wear inside my cami or bra. I probably won't go anywhere until this weekend, and if I do go out then, I will try to wear a regular bra because the cami offers no support and it too warm to wear layers, like I did after the lumpectomy. This is going to be difficult until I get a mastectomy bra and fake breast! Oh well, if people want to stare, I guess that's their problem and not mine, right?
I'm not so sad anymore, now that its done. Nothing I can do about it now, so may as well get on with life!
Thanks for all the prayers and support! Here is the Bible verse God gave me before surgery (via a daily e-mail devotional):
"Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9 (NLT)
That's all I needed to hear! How awesome is that?
Take care everyone!
Tina

Busy Busy

I have thought often, this last week, about updating my blog. But either I have been busy, or just too tired. I'm pretty tired right now too. I can hardly do anything after work these days. Not sure why I got so tired again, I had been doing better. I know my thyroid has been messed up again, and that takes a while to get back to where its supposed to be.
Alyssa and Jaren's wedding is coming up on Sunday. I'm so glad she has everything under control, because I haven't been much help! Tomorrow night we have a rehearsal, Friday night we have some other plans, Saturday we have the groom's dinner at the Zech's, and Sunday we have to up bright and early to start getting ready for the wedding/reception. Then Monday is when I lose my left breast to the surgeon. :(
After that I'll be able to finally get some rest, while I am healing. But as soon as I feel well enough I have to try on and buy a wig, buy scarves and hats, and get my hair cut short. Then it will be time to start chemo.
I really hope this chemo doesn't make me throw up. Its supposed to be a little easier to handle than my last stuff, so I hope that's the case for me. I've been reading the discussion boards and alot of people do have some nausea, and most have a few days of fatigue--where they lay around for 2 or 3 days. That's not so bad. It's also supposed to cause constipation--which, if it doesn't get too bad, is actually kinda nice! When I took pain meds after my lumpectomy it was nice to only have to go once or twice a day! I just make sure I take Senekot or something so it doesn't get too bad.
Last Saturday I had to shop for a dress for the wedding. I was not happy that I couldn't find just the right dress, and looking at cute clothes was depressing me. I felt like crying over every little thing, and couldn't figure out why. Then I realized that I was mourning what I was about to lose. Looking at clothes and knowing it'll be a long time before I look good in them again. And I was upset about losing my hair too. It just all caught up to me and I wanted to hide and cry. But, of course we had a busy day! A friend was talking to me at a grad party at church and she wanted to know how I was REALLY doing (a true friend!), and I started crying. We went into the prayer room (with Rich too), and talked a bit, and then she prayed for me. I felt much better after that, and have been feeling better since. I'm still not happy about the whole thing, more like resigned to the fact that its going to happen. I feel like my whole life is about to change. I don't want it to! I'm so thankful I have such a loving and supportive family. They will love me and be by my side no matter what I look like! I'm also blessed to be a part of a wonderful church family. They really let Jesus shine through them!
Only 2 more days of work! I don't know when I'll be able to go back. I'll let the school know in August whether or not I'll be coming back at the start of the school year.
Well, Rich and I are going to go for a little walk--gotta be back for American Idol! I'll put up some pics of the wedding when I get a chance.
Love to all!
Tina

1Peter 1:6-7, "In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." (NIV)

Prayer (and laughter!) is a Wonderful Thing

First I want to say that I am still chuckling over a blog I just read. "Whitestone" is bald from chemo and is visiting her daughter (here in MN). She decided to try some shampoo her daughter had for "curly" hair(!). She reported that, no, it didn't make her bald head curly--it was just wishful thinking! She signed off as "still bald, but not curly". For some reason that last line really made me laugh out loud! Still does! Thank you, my dear, for your wonderful sense of humor!
Today at church we had a pastor(?) from the International House of Prayer in KC (IHOP) visiting. He is a prophetic minister and has the gift of healing. So after the service my family and I went up to get prayer for my cancer. This week has been really stressful and difficult for me, and I just don't know what to think or how to react to all the bad news I've gotten. I've been wondering how much worse it can get, and I'm afraid to have all my scans next week. I REALLY want to continue to praise God through all of this, and draw closer to Him. I'm praying that I will be able to hear His voice--I want that soooo badly! And I hope others will see my faith and theirs will be strengthened--that would make all of this worthwhile. But the important thing is that GOD'S will is done--not mine.
Anyway, the prayer with Graeme Walsh was really good, and freeing. I just felt a big release--of what I don't know--healing? tension? stress? Doesn't matter. It felt good.
One of the most important sermons I've ever heard was one of the ones during the "Fearless Living" series our church did recently (you can listen online at www.bridgewoodcc.org). God really wants us to rely on Him--totally and completely. That is what I am learning through all this. It is so hard to FULLY comprehend what that means. But every now and then I catch little glimpses of it, and for a moment I "get it", but when I try to grasp onto it, it disappears like smoke. But I am encouraged that God is giving me these little moments of understanding. There is just so much interference I have to work through. At times like this I actually get excited to be going through this if it means walking closer with God.
The last time through chemo He really showed me that He was there for me and hearing the prayers of everyone for me. That helped me through my lowest point. I fully expect more from God this time. This is a season I have to go through, but I don't have to go through it alone. And I hope my husband and daughters know that God is with them too, helping them through this. Don't be afraid to pray for yourselves, thinking that its all about me. You are all with me in this, and you need to be lifted up in prayer too. God will help you through, no matter what happens to me.
Ok, I went from laughing to crying in a matter of a few minutes! Such is my life right now! :) This is going to be quite a journey! Let's be excited that God loves us so much that He DESIRES us to be closer to Him. We must go through the fires to be refined into pure gold; our branches must be pruned so that we can bear fruit. (ok, I hope I didn't mess those up! lol! I'm NOT a preacher!).
"Praise the Lord, oh my soul, all that is within me praise His holy name!" Psalm 103:1
Love to all!
Tina