A Lopsided Life

I've had a lot of ups and downs the past few days.  Sometimes I really regret my decision to have the mastectomy, and think I've made a HUGE mistake.  Usually, after I've thought it through, I remember the reasons I made the decision, and I'm ok with it.  Usually.  Yesterday I talked with the nurse navigator (Barb) at the Breast Health Center about the pathology results.  The main reason I chose the mx (mastectomy) was because there was more invasive cancer and DCIS than what showed up on the mammo or MRI, and I didn't know if there was more floating around in my breast.  The fact that it was an aggressive cancer (HER2+++),and had already spread to 3 lymph nodes, made me not want to take the chance that a re-excision would miss some. Anyway--back to Barb.  At first she said the path report showed only DCIS, and I asked her if it said somewhere how much was found.  She was reading it and trying to figure it out, and said that maybe they didn't find anymore.  She said that Dr. Morris would have to read it and answer that question for me.  I see him on Tues. morning for post-op follow-up and drain removal.  Dr. Morris told me that we might not find any more cancer.  There was DCIS at 3 of the margins of the lumpectomy, but that might be as far as it went.  He said that would be a good outcome.  Secretly, I didn't think so!  So when Barb told me there might not have been any more cancer, I just lost it (after I politely thanked her and hung up the phone!).  I went in my room and had a good cry.  All I could think at the time was I made a huge mistake and I want it (meaning my breast) back!  I was a little depressed the rest of day.  It was just this morning that I finally remembered why I had the surgery done (see above).  I wish there was some way I could have known for sure that there was no more cancer, but there just wasn't.  With all the tests they can do these days, there still isn't one that can always see 100% of the cancer.  I hope sometime soon I'll be more at peace with my decision.  We'll see what Dr. Morris has to say on Tuesday.
Yesterday I asked my sister to run to a store and buy me a sport bra.  There is a light shelf bra in the cami I got from the hospital, but it offers no support for my right breast.  I tried to match it with the soft breast form on the left side, but couldn't get it to stay down far enough--so I had one up high "breast", and one headed toward the ground! lol!  I couldn't leave the house until I could find a way to match them better.  Dee brought me several bras and camis to try.  Only 1 fit and offered some support.  I wore it today.  Not very comfy, cuz its a little tight and pressed the breast form against my chest (luckily its mostly numb!), but it worked for a while.  While at Target today I bought a few soft, wireless bras, and I'll try them on later.  Yes, this would all be easier if I had a bilateral (double) mx, but loosing both would have been WAY to difficult to do at one time.  Maybe I'll be ready for that next year.
I'm healing up nicely, I think.  I haven't had any pain meds since Thur. am.  In the afternoon I was feeling a little nauseous, and really foggy brained.  I think it was a build-up of too many pain drugs since the surgery.  I felt much better the next morning.  All I take now is the occasional ibuprofen.  Most of the area is numb, but I get occasional sharp pains.  My drain doesn't bother me too much, and there is not as much coming out as the last one I had.  I am hoping I can get it removed on Tues., as planned.  And I'm praying it doesn't hurt as much!
It was nice to get out of the house today!  I put on a little make-up, did my hair, and spent a little money--all good things!  :)  Rich is so funny at Target.  If we go anywhere near the baby clothes, he goes right in and looks at stuff for Brennan.  We don't always buy something, but he likes to look.  He can't wait to buy Brennan his first little pair of "work" boots.  Today we ended up buying a little shorts outfit.
We came home and took a nap!  Rich is getting ready now to mow and weed-whip and such.  I might help pick up sticks a little bit. My main job when Rich mows is to bring him a glass of water about halfway through.  I think I can handle that! I'm going to make tacos for supper, then I might make him some cookies. Not from scratch.  He likes choc. chip cookies ALOT, so we buy the ready made dough.  Once in awhile I'll make homemade ones.  Shonna makes yummy ones with oatmeal. 
Well, Rich is already mowing--guess he's not going to pick up sticks first.  Maybe I'll go sit on the deck for a bit.
Blessings!
Tina

Scan Results

My onc. called last night and left messages on both my home phone and my cell. Unfortunately I didn't hear my cell because I was at a restaurant with Rich, Jaren, and Alyssa. My ct scans and bone scans were all clear! So no cancer found anywhere else in my body! Finally some good news! Last week I was nervous about the scans,because everything seemed to be going wrong, but after much prayer, I hardly even thought about them after they were done. God gave me His peace! I didn't expect to know the results until I saw my doc next Wed.
One thing I am not sure about is whether or not a tiny amount of breast cancer would have shown up or not. Since I didn't have clear margins on the tissue removed in the lumpectomy, there might still be some cancer left in my breast. Hmmm, I wonder if I could have another MRI, and if that would show small amounts of cancer left. More questions to ask my onc. when I see him on Wed. I have a list of questions I keep adding to!
Yesterday was a long day at the hospital. We got there at 11:15 and went to the Breast Health Center to have my drain removed. Not sure how much I want to say about that...let's just say I'm one of the unlucky ones that it hurt real bad. I guess it doesn't hurt everyone that bad. I took a Percocet before I went, but that didn't help any. Just made me feel really woozy after the drain came out. It burned for several minutes after. Then it felt ok the rest of the day, and even with all the pain, I'm still glad to have it out!! Although it worries me that if I have a mastectomy I'll have to have a drain (maybe more than one) again. There's got to be a more humane way to do that!
After that I went to imaging and they started me drinking the yucky stuff for the ct scans. They also accessed my port and gave me an injection of some nuclear stuff for the bone scan. While I was waiting to finish the drink (it takes an hour to drink it all), we went to the cancer center to get my blood drawn for the labs my onc. wanted before I see him. It was nice to see and get a hug from my nurse Andrea! Then I had the ct scans--took about 5 minutes. I usually feel a few minutes of intense nausea after the test. The tech slowed down the contrast stuff they gave me through my port, and that may have helped a little. The feeling passed after a few minutes, then I was able to get up and go off to my bone scan! For the bone scan I just had to lie still for about 20 minutes while this huge machine moved slowly over me. Its the same machine that did my MUGA heart scan earlier this week.
I've got all my blood test results too already. Isn't it amazing how they can get all these tests done so fast these days? I can just look online and see all the results as soon as my doc releases them. My blood tests look even better than they did a few weeks ago at my pre-op. My platelets are up more and my hemoglobin is 12.5--finally in the normal range after being below normal since my colon resection over a year ago.
I was able to take the dressing off my drain site today, and tomorrow I can shower. Today I took a quick bath and washed my hair under the faucet.
I am having some occasional sharp pains in my armpit area and at the incision site, which is totally normal. The nurse said they call them "zingers". They get a little annoying, but not too bad. Still have a lot of soreness and stiffness in my upper arm and shoulder. I've been doing my exercises! And, of course, my breast is still bruised and sore, but that's not too bad either.
I think I'm going to stay home from church tomorrow. Its my last day before going back to work and I really just want to lie in bed and read the paper! We are having a picnic at the park nearby about 12:30. We always have our Mother's Day picnic there, and we always freeze! Hopefully it won't be too windy. Temp is supposed to get to around 60. And I think its supposed to be sunny.
Well, this week should prove interesting! Hopefully by the end of it I'll know what type of surgery I'm going to have and when, and when I can start chemo.
Keep me in your prayers!
Tina

Lumpectomy Done...With a Few Surprises!

I hate surprises!
I had my "Partial Mastectomy" with Sentinel Node Biopsy yesterday. It was supposed to be a same day surgery. The sentinel node biopsy was just a precaution...NO ONE expected to find that the cancer had spread...well, it did. There was cancer in the lymph node, so the surgeon had to take more nodes. This is not supposed to happen with DCIS, but the surgeon figures there was more invasive cancer than the biopsy found. We now have to wait until Thurs. or Friday to get the pathology report.
Because more lymph nodes were taken (from the armpit area) I have a drain tube, and I had to stay overnight in the hospital. Rich and I had to learn how to take care of the drain and change the dressings. I'm glad I was there yesterday, because I got the big drugs--diluaded and percoset. Today I haven't had much pain., just some tenderness.
So, unless it was just a few stray cells in the sentinel node, I will most likely have to have chemo again (in addition to the radiation already planned). Of course I immediately thought of my hair! It seems like most breast cancer chemo cocktails make you lose your hair.
My oncologist, Dr. J., was making rounds yesterday so he stopped in to see me (not planned, I just happened to be there). It was just a short visit, but nice to see him. Tonight (about 6:30) he called here. He said he could tell I was a little disappointed yesterday (ya think?). He wanted to reassure me. He said if I have to do chemo, it'll just be a nuisance, and I'll get through it. He said we'll do whatever we have to. He almost had me in tears. It was so thoughtful for him to call just to reassure me. He told me to call him Thursday for the pathology report.
The other thing that the path report will tell us is if the surgeon got clean margins or not. He feels there is a good chance he did, but he has no way of telling until he gets the path report. If there is cancer at or near the edge of the tissue he removed, I'll have to have a re-excision--meaning another surgery to cut more tissue out.
I've already had a problem with my drain tonight! My underarm was feeling very wet and I thought I was sweating alot. I realized I better check and make sure it wasn't my drain, and of course it was! I think it got all backed up because there is a lot of blood clots in the tubing. We tried to break them up a little and put new dressing on. We'll check in alittle while to see if the dressing is wet again. I'm SO THANKFUL Rich is willing to help with all this. I could do it myself, but it would be difficult and make me more sore.
Well, time for more pain meds...and soon to bed. Its been a long day and I only slept a couple of hours last night.
Keep praying for me! I know sometimes it seems that God isn't listening, but He is. He has a plan for me and His word tells us to be PERSISTENT or BOLD("shameless insistence" in Greek) in prayer!
Thanks for all the love, thoughts, prayers, cards, etc. It means A LOT to me!
Love,
Tina